Some days around here are hard. Like almost every day this past month or so, for instance. Can I just say that? Some days my life looks really messy-- the floor hasn't been swept in so long you hear a crunching sound when you walk on it; I feel defeated by Mount Laundry in my garage; I'm impatient with the kids... and I find myself wondering if perhaps I could just steal away for a few days and lie on the beach with a few girlfriends.
This isn't every day. Some days are smooth and balanced and kids get along and the house is clean and we are growing and ministering as a family. (Ok, well maybe not all of that in one day!)
But the point is, that I've been feeling like I really cannot say this: that some days are just really hard. And that I'm struggling right now to be content and live with a heart of gratitude. Because a lot of my yucky stuff has come to the surface lately- all that need to control and this grumbling spirit in me.
But I promised myself when I started this blog that I was going to be honest and real.
And I wonder too if this isn't really the perfect season to be 'real'. Because here we are smack dab in the middle of Lent. This season that begins with Ash Wednesday where believers everywhere remember this- "from dust you came and to dust you will return" (Gen 3:19). And I really feel like God is graciously allowing me to see even more just how messy and broken I am.
"Whoever had the crazy idea that Lent was for the good who were forsaking some lush little luxury?
Lent’s for the messes, the mourners, the muddled — for the people right lost. Lent’s not about making anybody acceptable to a Savior — but about making everybody aware of why they need a Savior.
Wasn’t it Lewis who said that we are to be Little Christs?
If I’m following Him on His way to Golgatha, the place of the skull…. I finger the figurine of Christ carrying the cross.
Lent’s about little dyings.
How could so much of my flesh still be alive?"
So this is what I am clinging to in this really messy season: That perhaps it is grace that I see my sin, my mess so clearly right now. Why grace? Because seeing my sin only makes it that much clearer that I need that Savior who died on a tree.
"When I feel like I’m drowning–
I’m at last ready to drown in the ocean of God’s unearned grace."
I don't like this feeling of drowning. It feels alot like... well, um... drowning! But I know this is a season. And God uses every season of the soul to draw me nearer to Himself... right where I want to be. I don't want to miss what He is doing. Because when Resurrection Sunday comes I will be amongst those who worship unashamedly... with all my heart and soul... "for he who has been forgiven much loves much."