We have a journey ahead. Mei's diagnosis is more complex than we originally thought. Sometimes fear creeps in and I wonder if I will be able to do the things necessary to care for her well.
But God has been whispering to me one simple word - look.
He's teaching me to look up.... When I wonder about my abilities, He reminds me where my help comes from:
I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121: 1-2
He's urging me to open my eyes look around... When I worry about tomorrow, He reminds me He has it all taken care of:
"Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" (Matt. 6:26)
I've been studying this verse as a part of the Sermon on the Mount. And that word - look- stuck out to me. Oh, how much wonder and good I miss simply because I do not look. So I decided to start looking more... at the birds of the air. Only problem is that I am inside mostly, here at the hospital. But can I just tell you that every single opportunity I've had to get outside, one of the first things I have seen is... you guessed it, birds. (Oh, how He loves me...) In fact, as soon as I stepped out of the hospital on the first day of my bird hunt, I rounded the corner and looked over in the grass and there was this beautiful bird. Then the funniest thing happened. He looked right up at me and we just sat there staring at each other for a minute. It made me laugh and gave me a moment to stop and look and remember how God cares for me.
Writer Ann Voskamp says worry is "practical atheism". I remember this and pray that I will not just say I am a believer in things unseen, in hope unending ... but that I will live like what I believe is really true.
And ultimately, He's compelling me to simply look at Jesus... When I am wrapped up in all that is going on around me, He reminds me that what I focus on is what I come to believe. When I focus on all the trials around me, life seems burdensome. When I focus instead on the abundant blessings I enjoy each day, life is gift.
And when I look at Jesus? … Really, how do I put it into words?
Have you ever done this? Just sat for a long time and focused on Jesus... on who He is... what He has done?
I sing this hymn around the house a lot, and maybe it says it well...
Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face.And the things of Earth will grow strangely dim.In the light of His glory and grace.
So this is what I am looking for here. Here in the hospital where my baby cries out in pain. Here at the Ronald McDonald House where I almost drop my lunch tray when she tells me she’s been here for two years with her son. Here where we're surrounded by children who are sick... and some are dying. I hear their stories, and honestly, my first thought is that I want to run. Far away from all this suffering.
But when I want to run, Jesus says to me: "Look". Look for me here. Where hurt and healing collide. So I turn and I don't run, and I look for Jesus... for God's glory to be revealed... And I am not disappointed.
"Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here When the hurt and the healer collide" (Mercy Me)
"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you..." (Ephesians 1:18a)